This is how it works. You can wake up in a fantastic mood, invite a friend over for coffee and then realize the house is in a bigger mess than you thought. So you shower and dress and begin in earnest cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry. The anxiety mounts, your friend comes over and see’s the condition of you- shaking and stemming and decides to help you get the mess under control. You take little rest breaks as the shaking has worked into a full blown pseudoseizure. Then you getup and work hard again. Your work is caught up and your friend goes home tired and still didn’t get the tea and coffee promised. You feel bad about that. You feel bad that she felt sorry for you enough to help you out. You felt bad when you asked your adult daughter to help you out the day before and she put you in your place- low woman on the totem pole.
So your worn out and decide to lay down and rest for an hour; two go by. The behaviour health nurse calls and you rant to her for about 30 minutes and decided to get out of bed- finally. But the negative talk continues inside your head. So you call your mom and she reaffirms the lack of respect at home life. Feeling worse. So you rant in your personal digital diary for an hour. Stinking thinking sets in. You start thinking about suicide. Oh not recognizable right away- it slithers in like a snake, and coils itself around your brain stem. You think about what your family’s reaction to having to find a maid and childcare would be for that is all you think you are.
So you begin to pray and weep. You are down in the toilet and you have a grandson due home any minute. The depression continues until 40 minutes after he gets home and you have to go get your other grandson from school. Praying constantly, LORD don’t allow me to have a seizure or get into an accident while the boys are in the car with me. Their chatter actually helps you snap out of the depression, as you try to pay attention to the road construction and run two errands while you are out.
When daughter gets home late after a meeting at work, you ask he to take the trash out and she say’s NO! But said she will take the dumpsters out in the morning- we’ll see. I asked her if she noticed the clean house, she replies “yes, you got motivated.” I prepare myself some dinner, she doesn’t want what I am going to serve so she heats up something for herself and the boys- that’s fine by me.
The stinking thinking starts to rear its ugly head once again- and you rebuke it in the name of GOD. Today, I got lucky and was able to write and pray through the issues. Tomorrow is a new day, I pray it’s not like today. I have made up my mind to ask my neuropsychologist for Lexapro and anti-anxiety medication. I will explain what I just wrote and tell him that waiting for a new psychiatrist is tenacious at best and puts me at greater risk. If I can scale back the anxiety, perhaps the depression will go away and the pseudoseizures will too.
My blog friends, if you have stinking thinking going on inside your head, speak to someone who has common sense or seek medical attention. I thought about going to the hospital today, but I had the boys to take care of. People think pseudoseizures are non-damaging and attention seeking. They are wrong! You may not burn up brain cells, but you do burn up self-confidence and assurance that you are in control of your body at all times. And the depression never fully goes away- it’ s simmering on the cooktop waiting for a trigger.